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The Guitar Hero Games That Could Have Been

Thursday, February 10th, 2011 by

With Guitar Hero now nothing more than a lifeless corpse, struck down by the same hand that milked it to a powdery dryness, it seems only fitting that we honor the fallen franchise with a ceremony of passage. But rather than reflect on the memories of what the series once was, we should turn our eyes to the future and lament that which could have been, but now will never be: The Guitar Hero games forever bound to the horizon.

Guitar Hero: Loverboy

Not an odd choice when you consider just how far-reaching and bewitching their musical catalog is. With such enduring classics as “Working For The Weekend” and that other one that was really memorable, Guitar Hero: Loverboy would have certainly stood as out as one of the series’ more whimsical, yet refined, entries.

Hell, it was this or A Flock of Seagulls. Loverboy edged out the Flock by a coin toss. Or, as we like to call it around here, the “loin toss”.

Moving right along, we come to the next logical progression of the series:

Guitar Hero: Creed

And why not? Creed fits within all the qualifying parameters of a standalone Guitar Hero game: It’s a band. That makes music. It’s washed up as shit, and even if every loyal fan in the world bought two copies you’d still have enough retail leftovers to house the world’s homeless.

I can’t speak for you, but the thought of wailing on my plastic axe to the smooth jams of Creed sends chills up and down my stuff. Featuring a unique rock and roll sound enhanced by the trademark facial stylings of frontman Scott Stap, Guitar Hero: Creed would have set the world on fire! Or at least the garage.

Now that you’re done remembering why Creed is so perfect for the Guitar Hero universe, let’s move on.

Ted Nugent: Guitar Hero

Getting Ted Nugent on board the Guitar Hero bandwagon was no simple thing. Thousands of promises were made, chief among them the stipulation that his name be placed before the Guitar Hero logo. Small price to pay, if you ask us, to be able to capitalize on the spitfire musician once renowned as “The Whackmaster”.

Unlike other Guitar Hero games, the Nuge’s version has you alternating between the stage and the wilderness, forcing you to juggle the dual realities of being a rock god and a slayer of woodland creatures. The final act actually combines the two realms with a concert stage bursting through the forest ground, made from the bleached bones of animal skeletons as raw cuts of meat and machine guns rain from the sky.

Vegans need not apply.

Ted Nugent is all well and good, but I can hear some of you now: “Shit’s old. What about some new stuff.” Well, while there’s no excusing your lack of appreciation for the classics, perhaps this one is more your speed:

Guitar Hero: Nickelback

Tell me this wouldn’t sell a thousand copies. Hell, two-thousand copies. Guitar Hero: Nickelback is a veritable goldmine, straining at the skin with potential and delicious juices.

Nickelback represents the new face of modern rock, always pushing the envelope with their generally badass sound and gravelly vocals. They’re probably the only band around today that you’d never accuse of being unoriginal or formulaic, so their inclusion in Guitar Hero is practically destined. It’s also clear from looking at them that these dudes bag a lot of pelt.

Above: Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger ponders the band’s next smash hit, and also what to eat for lunch.

Guitar Hero: Spin Doctors

Only by popular demand, mind you. Who knew that, in the future, people would still be pining for some of that Two Princes action (even though Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong is clearly the better song). While some would argue that the Spin Doctor’s playlist is somewhat smallish to warrant their own Guitar Hero game, to that I say “Poppycock!”

POPPYCOCK I SAY!

Look, if they didn’t have enough good songs to make a game out of, then why do they have their own greatest hits album?

I can feel your judgement, you know… tearing through my flesh and wondering why we didn’t go with a more obvious choice like Def Leppard. Because no one wants to hear any more one-armed jokes, goddammit! Not even good ones, like “Did you hear about the new Guitar Hero: Def Leppard game? Yeah, it only comes with one drumstick.” We’re sick of those.

About the Author

Mark A. Brooks uses the A. initial in his name so as to seperate himself from the teeming legions of other Mark Brookses (there are at least 65,000 in the state of Michigan alone). Keep up with him on twitter, because why not. @unoriginalG

Mark A. Brooks has written 614 posts on Delta Attack
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  • Markham Asylum

    I think that Creed guy was actually auditioning with the Armed Forces to become a drill sergeant.

    I remember the first time I heard Nickelback, I thought, hey, these guys are pretty good. Then I heard a second song, and I was like, hey, I’ve heard this before. Then I heard a third song, and I shot my fucking radio.

    I’m asking for Nickelback cookie cutters for Valentine’s Day.

    Actually, Activision pulled the plug on the Guitar Hero franchise so that they could unveil a new music franchise this summer: Cock Hero. Already lined up are individual titles for New Kids on the Cock, Backdoor Boys, ‘N Stync, and 98 Febreeze. Rumors abound of a holiday follow-up featuring Justin Bieber.

    • mulletsaurus

      Some ideas just don’t fit the mold, but Cock Hero just might. Ever heard of the Doppelwanger?

      • Markham Asylum

        Yes, I believe that was a late-game boss in Astlevania III: Dracula’s Coin Purse.