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Here We Go! Delta Attack’s 2011 E3 Predictions

Monday, June 6th, 2011 by

E3 2011 is nigh and we here at Delta Attack feel pretty good about what we think will happen. We’ve got our fingers on the pulse of gaming, bitches, and we aren’t afraid to engage in a little soothsaying. Here they are, our predictions of what to expect at E3 this year.

• Kevin Butler will grace Sony’s press conference in an attempt at damage control in the wake of the PSN disaster. Many jokes will be made, cricket sounds will be unusually loud. Expect Mr. Butler to break down on stage, proclaiming “My name isn’t even Kevin Butler, they make me do this for money” through tears and clenched teeth.

• Kinect’s new lineup will be flagshipped by many dance titles, with no genre left out. We expect David Armand’s Interpretive Dance to be the killer app that finally justifies your Kinect purchase.

• In an attempt to show consumers that the 3DS is more than just a kid’s toy that no kid can afford, Nintendo unveils their upcoming mature water racer “Fap Fuel Motorboating: 3D Tits In Yer Fucking Face”. Humina humina!

• Square Enix announces “Final Fantasy VII: The Spirits Within The Advent Children’s Crisis Core of Cerberus”. They are careful to state that “It might be a Final Fantasy VII remake. Maybe”.

• Nintendo’s successor to the Wii will be shown and it will be officially dubbed the “Wii H Dii”.

• Expect to see an HD remake of the entire Zork trilogy.

• Konami’s Tak Fuji will return, and the interwebs will have their next viral E3 video. It promises to be extr-r-r-reeeeeeemmme.

• Disappointed with 3DS sales, Nintendo announces 4DS. The new system will let players travel through time to experience the games of future Nintendo systems that are sure to be better than the Wii or 3DS.

• Following the lead of Tomb Raider’s reimagining of Lara Croft, Ms. Pac-Man returns with a gritty new appearance. Gone are the lipstick, fake lashes, and iconic bow; replacing them are dirt, ghost grime, and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

• Preempting the next wave of cyber attacks, Sony cans the PlayStation Network altogether. A tear-streaked Kazuo Hirai, Sony CEO, releases a statement saying, “Can’t we all just get along?”

• Square-Enix announces another entry in the Chrono Trigger series. Unfortunately, due to how far removed the company has become from what makes role-playing games great, this new title ends up being so bad that 90% of those who play it swear off of any future RPGs created by the very company that helped define the genre. Square-Enix makes a final, desperate attempt to reconcile with its former fans by releasing Final Fantasy: Ultra Best Video Game for Winners #1 Super!!!, pounding the last nail into its own coffin.

• Pouncing at Nintendo’s exposed jugular, Sega reveals a new console. It:

• Reads your mind, requiring no input from the hands or any other part of your body
• Comes pre-loaded with every game from the Dreamcast, Saturn, Genesis, and Master System
• Plays movies on formats including Blu-ray, HD-DVD, DVD, Laserdisc, VHS, and Betamax
• Features games that will cost $30 or less
• Contains the classic audio “Sayyyyguhhhhh” upon loading up the system
• Contains new audio “Fuck Nintehhhhhndoooooo” when shutting down
• Can give you a handjob

• Microsoft’s next console is announced – the XBOX Sphere.

• Microsoft announces mobile gaming hardware with phone features.

• Nintendo announces the features on its next console: built in social networking, social gaming, and web-video chat.

• Nintendo releases “GeriaTRICK” – a game for those residing nursing homes that allows them to re-live their younger years.

• Sony announces next console features – except it’s not a console – it’s a computer/console hybrid that connects to your tv and home theater system.

• Squeenix says its games are “more better” than ever, and gamers just don’t “get it”.

• EA defends its use of DRM on PC/MAC platforms, and further insults gamers by claiming that it is a “feature”.

• Nvidia pushes 3D glasses technology, perhaps in conjunction with Microsoft’s XBOX Sphere.

• On-live and other streaming gaming services announce partnership with a big company, like Netflix or Amazon, to bring on-demand gaming-as-a-service to the masses.

• A sweaty-palmed, greasy haired, coke-bottled-glasses-wearing gamer geek gets the runs from too many slices of pizza and chocolate covered bread sticks.

• Capcom, fresh off of millions in revenue from the Smurfs’ Village, end their press conference by thanking Soupy Sales for such a wonderful idea.

• Nintendo, in reaction to the success of Angry Birds and other games on mobile platforms, announce a new installment of Wrecking Crew for Nintendo’s 3DS.
Mario and other characters from the Mushroom Kingdom, will be shot out of pipes that you angle towards the buildings to stop all the Koopa Troopas who stole Yoshi Eggs. It will come on a cart and retail for $39.99.

• Gameloft, having already copied the formulas from Diablo, StarCraft, and World of Warcraft, delve deeper into the Blizzard Entertainment vault and announce their next three games: Three Pirates, MTV’s Rock ‘n Jock Racing, and Bluethorne.

• Square-Enix prepares to announce at least four re-releases of games from when they didn’t suck, all for portable game systems or mobile phones. People forget for a second how much they suck nowadays, until they announce Final Fantasy XIII-2 for the millions who just couldn’t get enough Lightning and Vanille upskirts and straight-line dungeons.

• Electronic Arts admits that the only reason the Madden NFL 12 cover was held to a vote was because they already knew the upcoming NFL season wouldn’t happen. Peyton Hillis breathes a sigh of relief, as getting his legs broken during the season was actually part of his contract.

• Shigeru Miyamoto reveals the next big game from Nintendo. Having already made games based off his own life and interests in The Legend of Zelda, Pikmin, and Nintendogs, Mr. Miyamoto announces Corporate Slave, where you will be the figurehead and mastermind of a company that will use you until you are dead.

• Sony prints out all the information for every user account that was compromised in the past three hacks. It is their entire booth. It is promptly stolen.

• Nintendo continues to defend their weak online connectivity by saying, “Hey, at least we didn’t lose 175 million user accounts, right?”

• Microsoft reveals they have been collecting nude photos and sex videos using the Kinect, but also justify it by saying, “Hey, at least we didn’t lose 175 million user accounts, right?”

• Sega announces another Sonic game. No one cares. It still sells a million, making people wonder just who the hell is still buying Sonic games. A disgruntled games writer removes his headphones, screams a few expletives, then continues to listen to his Jet Set Radio soundtracks as he skates away.

• Namco reveals the newest combatants for Soul Calibur V: Mr. Driller and Splatterhouse’s Rick. Completing the game with Mr. Driller unlocks Dig Dug with his dragon-slaying bike pump. In an attempt to avoid an M-rating, Rick is once again given a 2×4.

About the Author

Mark A. Brooks uses the A. initial in his name so as to seperate himself from the teeming legions of other Mark Brookses (there are at least 65,000 in the state of Michigan alone). Keep up with him on twitter, because why not. @unoriginalG

Mark A. Brooks has written 642 posts on Delta Attack
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  • Markham Asylum

    Dude, Wrecking Crew was the shit.

    • Fade to Slack

      Of all the predictions I made today, I must admit that the Wrecking Crew one was my favorite, if only because of the fond memories I had playing that with friends. As I typed the description up, I couldn’t help but think how I would probably buy that game. You know, as a digital download for 5 bucks if it had appropriate sound effects.