Anybody who’s played Magic: The Gathering (or MTG if you’re not a nerd) has probably engaged in the act of making their own cards. People do it all the time; it’s hard not to let those creative juices flow when the muse comes a’whisperin’. But let’s be honest: Most cards that people make, well, they kinda suck. They’re either too overpowered, too imbalanced, or too dumb and stupid and stuff. Falling squarely into all of those categories are these cards that I made for you. Enjoy!

One more thing: I worded these things to the best of my ability, but you’ll probably pick up on all sorts of wrongness in how these cards are presented. That’s because old habits die hard, and I’m something of a “fossil” in the Magic scene. Keeping with current vernacular is often tough for an old retiree like myself. Still, it is my sworn duty to make these things as proper as possible. If I screw up anywhere and offend your higher sense of awareness, then I’m sorry and you’ll get over it.

SHUFFLEPOTENCE

You know what Magic needs more of? Annoying. That’s the idea behind Shufflepotence – crush your opponent’s will to live through repeated and insanely pointless shuffling! Each of your swamps becomes a weapon – fueling a war of attrition that can only result in name-calling and broken things.

Bleed the opponent’s patience dry with persistent and well-timed pumps, or perhaps even jerk out an instant concession once Shufflepotence hits the table. Either way, one thing’s for sure: You’re going to lose all your friends.

 

 

GOBBLER GRENADE

By now you’re probably thinking that clicking into this article was a terrible mistake. And for the most part, that’s probably true. But you have to appreciate the synergy of this creation – it’s so full of flavor it’s practically straining at the skin! I’m sure some of you may even be ballsy enough to play it. And you know what? Good for you. If you got it, flaunt it. After all, the exceptional scrotum goes oft overlooked.

For that much damage, it’s a little underpriced, sure. But the requirement that we splay our sac out for all to look at and, if the mood is particularly saucy, become touched, is a price most of us just aren’t willing to pay. You know, indecent exposure or whatever. But for mutliplayer games where lawful behavior is of zero concern, it’s hard to beat dealing 20 damage for only two mana and a gentle plop.    [Artist]

WILL-O-THE-MIDGE

“Where’s the Warwick Davis love?” That was my exact thought right before spanking out this beauty. I mean, it’s hard to beat the magic that is Leprechaun in the Hood, but Willow comes pretty darn close. The challenge that went into making this card is twofold: To create something that is somewhat loyal to the movie character while also staying true to the Will-O-The-Wisp card it attempts to parody.

I think the result is pretty good, giving us a card that would actually be playable as hell. It’s powerful, no doubt; it would suck to be on the receiving end of a Will-O-The-Midge’n. But, honestly, what the fuck did you expect? It’s Warwick Davis. Be glad it doesn’t shit in your corn flakes and steal your girlfriend, too.

CHAOTIC CUBAZOID

So I’m staring at Chaos Orb (no, I don’t actually own a copy, although I did have one of the big-sized promotional versions that shipped with InQuest oh, I don’t know, like fifty years ago or so) and I’m wondering how I can parody that one. Chaos Rectangle? No, too obvious. Chaos Blorb? Too stupid. How about Chaos Puppy Kicker? Might be in poor taste, honestly.

I ended up just giving up on Chaos Orb altogether and going for something that would actually be fun to play. A Chaotic Cubazoid on the battlefield means crazy good times. Two of them means shit just got real.

[Artist]

 

ANCESTRAL TOPDECK

There are few things in life as exciting as watching a Magic game degenerate to the point where everything hangs in the balance of each draw – when the tension becomes so thick that drawing a land is like getting punched in the nuts. Ancestral Topdeck aims to create this situation on demand.

Think of it as a reset that scrubs the board clean of everything except for your precious little lands, giving you that instant second chance when the board is hopelessly out of control. If that’s not the power of the ancestors at work, then I don’t know what is. But then, there are many things I do not know.

[Artist]

 

URZA’S X-RAY SPECTACLES

Urza’s Glasses? Lame. Sunglasses of Urza? I always thought that card was made as a joke, anyway. It’s clear my man Urza needs some eyewear that has more punch to it… something that literally pulls back the wool and reveals the truth we spend our lifetimes seeking; that righteous, promised glimpse that sets our sails ‘cross water. That’s right: Moobs. Or man boobs, for the uninitiated.

Because, let’s face it, unless you play Magic with your sister or something, that’s all your gonna be seeing through these rose-tinted lenses.

[Artist]

 

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About the Author

Mark A. Brooks uses the A. initial in his name so as to seperate himself from the teeming legions of other Mark Brookses (there are at least 65,000 in the state of Michigan alone). Keep up with him on twitter, because why not. @unoriginalG Mark A. Brooks has written 572 posts on Delta Attack.